Who IS that crazy broad looking back at me ?!?!

Moments of realization or clarity can either be helpful or cause a new layer of stress. I find myself wondering from day to day why these moments keep switching sides on me ? How can they provide soooooo much helpful insight one day, only to belittle and criticize the next ??? Is THIS how insanity begins ?! Now actually, THAT concept doesn't scare me much as I've always leaned moderately farther left of center than my peers. I think it's the UNCERTAINTY of it all. Will I glean helpful cues today ? Or will I find that the tiny fault lines have widened and lengthened since the last time ? This is the stuff that keeps me awake.

I know that I'm NOT young anymore, but both feet are still planted firmly ON the ground (READ : ABOVE the sod). So I ask you -- why do the body and mind betray me ? There are days when I PHYSICALLY feel like a broken and bent 90 yr old, but my MIND is skipping along at age 20something. Conversely, I have days where I find myself DOING stuff that I used to do waaaaaaay back when, only to be nagged by the echoing thoughts of a fretful and frail senior. WTF up wit DAT ????

Maybe it's a case of "I-don't-wanna-grow-up-I'm-a-Toys-R-Us-kid" when I really NEED to grow up ? Nahhhhh, anyone who knows me, knows better than that. I'm probably the most AR, black&white thinking, OCD child they know ... and yet they still love me ! ;-) Still it scares me to have these moments of conflict that are growing in frequency. Makes me wonder if one day I'll wake up & have NO grasp on reality and go do something really stoopid and UNme -- like bungee-jumping, tightrope-walking or rock climbing !! Butttttttt, then again losing my vice grip on reality could mean my being totally free from the exhaustion of failed attempts to control things I CAN'T.

Maybe what's called for is a major mental meltdown, but just how DOES one "invoke" this ??? Quite frankly, I don't think I'M capable of detaching from reality too easily, because MY reality and everyone else's are already worlds apart now. Perspective is EVERYTHING, doncha know. So I guess I'll just muddle through & get to the final destination much like everyone else. I've even gotten my hand basket all picked out -- it's quite handsome and verrrrrrrry utilitarian ! See y'all down at the station !! I'll be standing in line for the Downtown Express, care to join me ?? =)