"Clean as a Whistle !"

Well maybe not, but that's approximately what I heard thru the drug induced haze.

Had the occasion (note I DIDN'T say pleasure) to have a colonoscopy done recently. Yep I've reached that age where the mere mention of that term can cause involuntary compression of the sphincter and the medical community starts harping on it like that kid in the back seat asking "are we there yet ?" every 90 seconds for the duration of an eight hour road trip. So after the scare from Mom diagnosis and running out of excuses for over a year, I finally relented and was rewarded by an actual smile from my Doc for the first time in 3 yrs.

Sunday was nothing short of torture. NO SOLID FOODS after 2200 on Saturday & nothing but fluids on Sunday. Part of this fluidation routine was TEN LITERS (that's 2.62 US gallons) of a some demented person's idea of a "pleasantly lemon-lime flavored" concoction, that neither tasted like lemon-lime nor was anything remotely related to "pleasant." Eight of said ten liters was to be started consumption @ 1700 Sunday evening & in 12 oz increments till it was all gone.

To make things even more FUN, the better half was working ALL day and thereby was spared the facial contortions and spewing of expletives that'd make a sailor blush after each and every one of the 12 oz dosings. But being the brave little soldier, I bulled thru it & only spewed once -- luckily towards the end of the routine.

So fast forward to Monday morning. I have to drive 62 miles for this procedure and after no food for 36 plus hours, it was a new land speed record ! Got there, got checked in, wired up & drugged .... I'm kool. Till my less-than-better-side was left exposed for it seemed like 20 mins while the Doc "prepared." Peeps are breezing back & forth with my butt flashing everyone. NO secrets in the endoscopy suite !! Once you've mooned two-thirds of the staff, there's not much more in life that'll embarrass you -- trust me.

Finally Doc comes in & begins explaining the procedure ... did he say a probe the diameter of a cigar ?!?!? Oval office flashbacks followed by unbridled guffaws and questioning stares ... something about removal and cauterization ... ummmmmmm, that's like burning something, right ?!? ... a thirty minute recovery in the room -- did I have any questions.
HELL YEAH I HAD QUESTIONS !!! Ummmmmm, why is that monitor swirling ? that's just the drugs
What happens if I sneeze whilst you're up there mining ? I will wait till you're done
What's that dammed beeping ?! that's the EKG monitoring your heart rate
Ohhh -- Okay, I guess that's all I've got.

"Just relax and this will be over before you know it." HEY BUDDY, YOU WANNA TRADE PLACES & WE'LL SEE HOW RELAXED YOU ARE, M'KAY ????
WOWSER !! So that's what my colon looks like !! Oddly fascinating and abhorrent at the same time.
OUCH !!

"Sorry, this is a tight corner and you may feel some discomfort." Okie dokie, what part of OUCH ! didn't you get ?!

"Almost done, you're doing just fine." Okay, I'm down with that. Watching it in reverse is kinda kool, too !

"Please try and pass gas to relieve some of the pressure." WTF are you talking to ?!?! ME ?!?! No way, no how -- nuhn-uh !! Ain't never gonna happen, capice ?

"Please don't be embarrassed, it's natural and trust me, you'll feel much better. Besides I won't release you until I'm satisfied that the pressure has been released." WTF ?!?! FARTING BLACKMAIL ?!?!?! This is NOT happening !!

Somewhere between his calm explanation of the naturalness and necessity & MY bawking, wind broke and time stopped ..... so did the breathing. NO one wanted to be the first one to let their facial muscles betray the essence of the immediate breathing space.

"There, now you'll feel much better. Thank you for allowing me to perform your procedure. You will be receiving a report and pictures in about 10-14 days. Have a nice day !"
Well there you have it ... WHAM! BAM! Thankya ma'am !!
And so ended my saga of my first (and hopefully LAST) colonoscopy.

I realize this was kinda humorous (it was meant to be), but I do NOT want anyone to take away from this that this procedure ISN'T important -- it is VERY IMPORTANT. If you're over 50 (or have familial history) and have not discussed with YOUR Doc this procedure, please DO. For about 20 minutes of discomfort and/or embarrassment, you'll gain valuable knowledge that could save your LIFE. So ASSUME THE POSITION AND SMILE !! ;-)

take care .... stay kool .... be content =)